“Do I Have to Forgive Them?” Rethinking Forgiveness as a Requirement for Healing and Connection

In a recent therapy session, a client said something that stuck with me:

“People keep telling me I need to forgive them, but I still feel angry. Maybe it's because I haven't forgiven them yet. Maybe forgiveness is the only way I'll ever move on."

I paused before asking, "Who told you forgiveness was the price of healing?"

It's a belief many of us carry without ever questioning it. We're taught that forgiveness is the mark of maturity, that it brings peace, and that letting go means forgiving. While forgiveness can certainly be healing for some people, it has become so strongly tied to recovery that many people begin to see it as an obligation rather than a choice. As a therapist, I've noticed that many clients don't actually want to forgive the person who hurt them. They simply believe they're supposed to.

We've Turned Forgiveness Into a Moral Obligation

Forgiveness is often portrayed as the final stage of healing. It's celebrated in films, encouraged in self-help books, reinforced by cultural and religious values, and often suggested by well-meaning friends and family. The underlying message is clear: if you're still angry, you're not healed. If you're still hurt, you haven't truly let go.

The problem with this narrative is that it subtly shifts responsibility away from the person who caused harm and places it on the person who experienced it. Instead of asking whether the offending person has taken responsibility, shown genuine remorse, or changed their behaviour, the focus becomes whether the injured person has forgiven enough. Healing becomes measured by forgiveness rather than by emotional recovery.

Healing and Forgiveness Are Not the Same Thing

One of the biggest misconceptions I encounter in therapy is the belief that healing requires forgiveness. In reality, healing is about understanding what happened, grieving the loss, rebuilding trust in yourself, and reaching a place where the experience no longer controls your life. Forgiveness may be one outcome of that process, but it is not the process itself.

Some people naturally reach forgiveness with time, while others never do. Neither path tells me whether someone has healed. I've worked with clients who forgave someone quickly but continued to tolerate unhealthy behaviour because forgiveness became confused with acceptance. I've also worked with people who never forgave yet found peace through strong boundaries, self-respect, and acceptance of what had happened. Their healing wasn't limited by the absence of forgiveness.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Different Decisions

Another important distinction is the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. These terms are often used interchangeably, but they describe two very different processes. Forgiveness is an internal experience, while reconciliation is a decision about the future of a relationship. You can forgive someone and still decide they are not emotionally safe to have in your life. Equally, you may choose to maintain a relationship with someone without feeling that you've forgiven them. What determines whether a relationship can continue isn't forgiveness alone. It is accountability, sustained behavioural change, emotional safety, and mutual respect. Without those foundations, reconciliation often becomes another way of asking someone to minimise their own pain.

When Forgiveness Is Expected, It Can Become Harmful

One phrase I hear far too often is, "If you really loved me, you'd forgive me," or "You need to forgive me so we can move on." While these statements may sound like attempts to repair a relationship, they're often requests to restore comfort without first taking full responsibility for the harm caused. When forgiveness is expected, demanded, or used as a condition for repairing a relationship, it stops being an authentic emotional process. Instead, it becomes emotional compliance. The focus shifts away from accountability and towards making the injured person responsible for restoring harmony. This can be particularly damaging in relationships where the original harm has never been fully acknowledged.

Sometimes Boundaries Heal More Than Forgiveness

Not everyone who hurts us apologises. Some minimise what happened, deny responsibility, or simply continue the same patterns. Waiting for those people to become different can keep someone emotionally stuck for years. In these situations, healing often comes from accepting reality rather than waiting for closure. Setting healthy boundaries, grieving the relationship you hoped for, letting go of the expectation that the past can be changed, and choosing your own wellbeing are often far more therapeutic than forcing yourself to forgive before you're ready.

So, do You Have to Forgive?

The simple answer is no. Forgiveness is a personal choice, not a moral obligation or a requirement for healing. If forgiveness comes naturally with time, that's perfectly valid. If it doesn't, that doesn't mean you've failed to heal.

The goal of therapy isn't to help people forgive at all costs. It's to help them process pain, reclaim their sense of safety and agency, and build a life that is no longer defined by what happened to them. For some people, forgiveness becomes part of that journey. For others, healing comes through acceptance, boundaries, and self-compassion instead.

Healing is not measured by whether you forgive the person who hurt you. It's measured by whether their actions continue to have power over the life you choose to live today.