“Do I Have to Forgive Them?” — Rethinking Forgiveness as a Requirement for Healing and Connection

In a recent therapy session, a client said something that stuck with me:

“I should just forgive them. Then I’ll be able to move on. And we can start anew.”

It was said with hope, but also with a deep sense of pressure. This idea—that forgiveness is a necessary step to move forward—is one we hear often. In popular culture, religion, self-help books, and even some therapeutic frameworks, forgiveness is presented as the ultimate virtue. The final act of healing. The only way to “let go.”

But what if that’s not always true?

What if forgiveness isn’t necessary for healing? What if it’s not even always healthy?

The Pressure to Forgive Can Silence the Harmed

We live in a world that often rushes people toward forgiveness—especially those who’ve been hurt. When someone causes harm, especially in close relationships, there’s often subtle (or overt) pressure for the hurt party to “be the bigger person.” To forgive. To move on.

If they don’t, they risk being seen as bitter. Vengeful. Immature. “Stuck in the past.”

In this dynamic, the emotional burden subtly shifts away from the person who caused harm and onto the person who was harmed. They’re expected not only to process their pain, but also to absolve the person who caused it—often without full accountability or change.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Not the Same

It's important to distinguish between forgiveness and reconnection. A person can choose to rebuild a relationship, continue contact, or establish new boundaries without necessarily forgiving the past.

Forgiveness is an internal process—something we may or may not feel ready for, or even desire. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is relational. It’s about whether both people can show up differently in the present.

You don’t need to have completely forgiven someone to re-negotiate the terms of your relationship. What matters more is accountability, safety, change, and mutual respect.

There’s a Power Imbalance in Forced Forgiveness

When someone says, “you need to forgive me so we can move on,” what they’re often really saying is: I want things to go back to normal without fully sitting with what I did. It becomes less about your healing and more about their comfort.

True repair in relationships requires balance—the person who caused harm must be willing to feel discomfort, listen deeply, and take ownership without demanding closure on their terms.

Expecting someone to forgive in order to preserve a relationship can actually re-traumatize them, especially if forgiveness is used to bypass genuine accountability.

It’s Okay Not to Forgive—For Now, or Ever

Forgiveness is a choice, not a moral obligation. Some people find it liberating and healing. Others find more peace in setting boundaries, finding clarity, and moving forward without granting forgiveness—especially if the person who harmed them hasn’t changed.

What’s often more important than forgiveness is validation, agency, and integration—acknowledging the pain, reclaiming control, and making choices that protect one’s well-being.

You can let go of resentment without forgiving. You can heal without forgiving. You can even reconnect—with caution and awareness—without forgiving.

Final Thoughts

When my client said, “I should just forgive them,” I gently asked: Why? Who told you that you have to?

We often internalize the belief that healing is only complete once we’ve forgiven. But healing looks different for everyone. For some, forgiveness is part of that path. For others, it’s not. And that’s okay.

We need to make room for multiple ways of moving forward. Let’s stop villainizing those who choose self-respect over forced forgiveness. Let’s stop equating forgiveness with healing.

And let’s start honoring each person’s right to define healing for themselves.